Something for your heartstrings...no, it's not a Hallmark commercial.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Is it weird that I quietly grieve with each new step of Annie's development? Annie started solids yesterday, Saturday May 11, 2008. She kind of started on Thursday May 9, 2008 (her 5 month birthday) but I tried to make and grind my own basmati rice and it ended up kind of chunky and she almost choked on the little pieces, so I'm just going to pretend that one didn't happen...even though it's chronicled here in our blog until the end of time. Anyway, her pretend first day of solids was a lovely Saturday morning. She ate Earth's Best organic brown rice cereal. She did great and only choked once! Each time she chokes, it becomes easier for me to wait quietly while she coughs, rather than shriek "JONATHAN!!" and rip her out of the seat to start whacking her back.*
All of this to say, I am learning a thing or two about growing up, myself. I think sometimes, growing up, is quietly grieving, rather than striving to stop the thing that makes you grieve. Sometimes it means standing by and watching your child cough for a few seconds, to see if they can help themselves, rather than helping them, because in the long run, it's really not so helpful, after all. And sometimes it means you watch them grow up, become more and more independent, because it's something you really do want for them; but at the same time, you just want to stop time and keep them helpless in the swing forever.
So as Annie grows up, I guess I'm growing up too. I hate that she will suffer. I hate that she will sin, that she has sinned even now. I hate that she will fight with God over petty, earthly things that seem so important in the already...if only we could see into the not yet. And yet, I love that all these things will, by God's grace, draw her closer to her Savior, who takes time to see Annie choke and preserve her life, and to see her mother stand by with white knuckles and preserve her sanity. Praise Him for organic, brown rice cereal.
*This is actually not recommended by health officials, although it makes the mother feel better since she thinks she is actually doing something, rather than standing by, watching her child choke.
Annie loves to swing at the park across the street. She leans forward in the baby swing and laughs and laughs and laughs while I push her. She would probably swing forever if I didn't take her out to come inside. Even on the hottest days in the middle of May in Florida, Annie braves sweat and gnats and mulch and blazing sun to swing with me. Blessed am I...
Annie LOVES her daddy.
They have the same eyes, the same laid back disposition and a special connection. Daddy only wishes he could grab his feet like Annie can grab hers. Annie only wishes she could read Bavinck without falling asleep... (or maybe that one's Daddy's too?) Oh well, the grass is always greener.
May 6, 2008
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Every time I lock eyes with sweet Annie Iverson, I think: "Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this?" I used to think that every time I looked at Jonathan, and now, I have someone new to reveal the mercies and blessings that grace my little, insignificant life. Similarly, I thought marriage had smoothed out most of my rough edges and taught me how to be less selfish, how to die to self. God was so gracious in those lessons and their learning was gradual, rather than all at once. Then Annie came along and in the same gentle, quiet way, the Lord uses my life's favorite gifts to teach me and sanctify me in this short time on earth. How I see my self-centeredness all over again, and all the more! How I pity those who knew me and had to spend time with me before I was three of us! And how great is this God who uses all the best gifts in life to make us better? What a gentle Father He is. And what a glorious thing it is to be Annie's mom, to know her better than anyone else in the world, to love her so effortlessly for no reason at all, and to know that both of these things are refining me in the most delightful ways. Hallelujah for all things high and low.